I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
