You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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