I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
