Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Randomize
