yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
