Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
