Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
