I cannot find my penis.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
