She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
