so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
