does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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