I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
