:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
