Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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