I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do vagina's smell?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After tacos, we're chasing women.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
