also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
