i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
