'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
