I will die if light touches me.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
