Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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