i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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