so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
