Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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