that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
