you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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