that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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