I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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