omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
