Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just want nice things and good sex
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
