our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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