OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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