I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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