did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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