i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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