I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
