My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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