I wanna passion pit in your ass
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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