Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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