she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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