If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
