he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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