she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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