for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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