between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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