In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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