I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
