just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have aggressive nipples.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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