Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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