My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
