he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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