Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
