Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
