My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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