nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
