i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
