I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
