YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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