I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
