census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
