Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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