Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
